The emotional roller coaster that I was involuntarily subject to on my journey through grief was relentless and all inclusive of the full range of emotions. It could be quite draining and I was subject to emotions that I did not know existed within my personal repertoire. The intensity at which these emotions surfaced left me reeling and questioning my own mental stability and maturity. These raging emotions would see a resurfacing of issues from my long lost past that somehow ended up front and centre all over again. It was a most unsettling feeling and I had no idea what to do with these violent eruptions when they arrived.
This emotional roller coaster was most crushing at a time when I was barely able to string two thoughts together and when I felt so distant from my everyday reality. I do remember people talking to me. I never heard a word they said and would just stare at them until they turned and walked away. I never meant to be rude, but the words they were saying just never made sense…if I heard them at all. Yet the emotions, well they just welled up and drowned everything else out. At times I was so angry, anger that frightened me! Hopelessness, disappointment, shock, bitterness and of course the guilt and shame of not being able to protect my child/children, both living and passed. At times I felt like I was going to explode with all these emotions I have listed and a multitude more, bouncing around. It felt like I was being dragged down into quicksand with no escape. I do realize now, that over time I had to address each of these emotions separately and work through them. It wasn’t something I had done, at all, when my daughter passed in 2000, so when my son passed in 2011, everything was compounded and doubly intense. Over the years since 2012, I have consciously addressed and resolved all – well, so far – issues that resulted from not only this time but also stemming from my childhood.
One of the first steps I took to manage this stress in late 2012 was a simple meditation that I diligently practiced twice a day. The meditation comprised of deep breathing and learning to bring my body to a relaxed state. I started with just 5 minutes twice a day and slowly increased it over the months to more than 30 minutes twice a day. During periods of stress, the body will automatically go into a fight or flight state. In that state, there are multiple chemical reactions per second that are activated within the body plus our breathing quickens and is shallow. Now, normally this would all return to normal function once the stress has passed. Unfortunately, I was constantly in this stressed state, over the years, and it showed in my physical health. Lack of oxygen due to incorrect breathing results in oxygen deprivation in our cells and is, in my opinion, the biggest aging factor and sets the stage for disease to grow in our bodies. After I started this simple meditation, I noticed a gradual improvement in my health, in my ability to cope in my everyday activities, to manage my grief, to begin to master my emotions and to just think rationally. I have continued to meditate every day(not diligently-I have missed some days) over the years since. I cannot function without meditation. I have also returned my body to a far better state of health without using pharmaceutical medication, besides some natural herbal supplements.
Unpacking the emotional side has been far more complicated. Emotions go way deep and when you think you have arrived at the source, still more is revealed. I had to know why and kept digging until there was no longer a “Why?” I have consulted some excellent therapists along the way and some of my intuitive friends are more than willing to advise and coach me in this regard when I have asked. This is the part of the journey that is continuous. There is no destination in Mastery and no one can do this for you. This is your life and it is your responsibility to return to that balanced place of Love.
The passing of a loved one can throw you way off and keep you in a place of pain. That is no quality of Life/Love and it offers no compromise. “You can’t play on broken strings!” It begins with your intent and you will be shown the way through.